I’m not even going to act like the blog has been a priority to me, and I’m absolutely not going to apologize for taking time and making space that I’ve needed. Don’t get the wrong idea; consistency with this blog is not going to be a 2021 goal. But here’s a rarity: a new blog post. This is the annual marker of new beginnings and old endings. But after the “year” (let’s be real, it’s been four years) that 2020 has been, I felt like 2021 needed to be a year of growth beyond academic achievements and goals. With changes back home, isolation, weight gain, and overall just pandemic and grad school happenings, I felt like I needed to reach out to a professional to help me through this next year.
As someone who has advocated for and worked through a lot of mental health support, I find the process of finding a therapist to be extremely daunting on its own, void the problems that you are facing that make you decide to get help in the first place. I’ve gone through this process a lot, often without a consistent therapist and therapy plan coming from the process. After my first boyfriend and I broke up, I sought help for over a year for anxiety (not working through the true issue: trauma), which served me up until my ex-fiancé and I broke up in 2018. After that experience, I reached out to the on-campus resources for mental health and was referred to other therapists in Northwest Arkansas. Almost all of the numbers were disconnected, and the two that weren’t were not offices that took my insurance. So I reached out to UAMS, where my mom works, and took advantage of free sessions with a graduate student for a while; maybe a couple of months, until her graduate program ended and her time at UAMS wrapped up. From that point forward, I was unassisted by a professional through the rest of undergrad, carrying trauma that I didn’t know how to manage while working at a bar and trying to complete my degree. After spending the last three months of 2020 angry, anxious, and struggling with things like food and relationships with peers, I felt like 2021 was an opportunity to begin that process again. I don’t want it to come off like I put off getting help until 2021, it just felt impossible until the last month. I didn't want 2021 to be like 2020, and I knew that. Graduate school has proved to me that I truly value making space for healthy processing and time to feel what you need to feel. But I also learned that I can’t just sit in my feelings forever. Things don’t get better that way. So I reached out to the Employee Assistance Program (EAP), which I have access to through my mom’s work, and I was explicit about the things I needed: trauma processing assistance, consistent, long-term meetings with one person, and a plan to move forward. Upon that process, I found a therapist office that accepted my insurance and found someone who practiced things that I valued and was recommended from EAP. On December 31st, I had my first therapist meeting and I feel like this is the beginning of actual work. I know that it’s going to be challenging and relieving all at the same time, but I also know that this is not something I can keep brute-forcing through. In talking to my mom, I realized that I only keep retelling my story, never getting help or processing further. So when I got the call that they were available to begin scheduling me after two weeks (I was on an estimated month and a half-long waitlist [which I’ve learned is pretty standard for therapists]), I cried. I cried because the weight that I had been carrying alone or been relying on two or three people to help me move forward was going to be lightened. I was through the process, save issues like therapy incompatibility. I was getting help. I am getting help now. I say all of this and I want to be open about my struggle to find help because in mental health spaces, a large portion of our conversations focus on “getting help”. But we don’t talk about how classist and how ableist that solution can be. With debilitating anxiety and depression, starting a process that could go on for a long period of time in limbo can be all but too much. And the cost of therapy alone is enough of an obstacle to discourage someone from getting help. Especially during a pandemic and insane unemployment numbers, cost is a massive barrier to entry. So when you or your peers and family give that advice, understand that that’s the solution they’re taught, but that they possibly haven’t had to consider the obstacles that come with that. And give yourself grace in that process. If you don’t feel well enough to call the therapist office today, put it in your list for tomorrow and make it your One Thing to Accomplish for that day (that is the bottom line, bare minimum thing that you have to get done that day in order to feel productive). Know that if you are struggling, fighting inner demons, or just trying to get by, that is absolutely okay. And if you want or need help but don’t know how to navigate that, feel free to reach out. There are resources you can utilize to make this easier: https://twloha.com/find-help/, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us?tr=Hdr_Brand, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, or text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line, or call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. This is not exhaustive, and if you are a student there are more resources available to you like on-campus services and financial aid for things like https://www.betterhelp.com/. If you need someone to walk beside you in this process, know that I am here to help as much as I can. Please be gentle to yourself, and understand that that looks different for everyone. Sometimes that’s Netflix all day, sometimes that’s taking a shower for as long as you need to, and sometimes that’s understanding that we have to feel things and hold space for a crying session. Those outlets and feelings are all valid. So here’s to 2021, my friends. Really, it’s just another year, but understand that it’s okay to make changes and want better for yourself. Regardless of what that looks like, I leave you with this: take care of yourself, whatever that means to you.
1 Comment
Tiffany
6/5/2021 10:23:37 am
I can relate. I’m trying to figure out if attending class in person was a progressive transition from a traveling online student or a pain in the finances. Either way it’s just what you can do at the time. The saying went you can’t be over educated. I really hope your studies are going well
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AuthorGabrielle Willingham is a young Arkansan woman who sees the importance of simultaneous cynicism and optimism. Gabrielle is currently working on a MA in Communication with a focus in gender studies and political science. Archives
January 2021
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