I remember being afraid of you; my button up being ruined by the rain on my first day of school and coming home and listening to music I’m too embarrassed to name. I remember what I thought you meant to me and what you symbolized when I put my toes in the soil of that patch of grass behind the blue bench outside of the middle school. You were my home, my haven, and my hell, shortly after. I remember when I thought that boy and I would last forever until he threatened my life, and then I made excuses for him. Then you became my reminder. You forced me to remember that that bench would forever be a spot where I looked both ways before I stepped across the street towards my class because he couldn’t go to ROTC if I did not kiss him first. I remember looking at him and thinking about how ugly he was, and how the red brick wall behind him made his eyes look more blue or brown or green, and I’m grateful I can’t remember which.
I know that you were supposed to be the setting to my story, but instead became the story when the gay kid of the junior class wanted the attention of the town. And boy, did he get it. I remember the fear I felt for wearing a press pass when you decided we were the enemies. We were the ones who ruined the town. I was the one who silenced the voice of the boy who lost his best friend by not standing against you, and I regret that. You were the place I despised but loved. The place where I found my soulmate, but hated the souls around me. I was the thing that changed, not you. I found that love did not mean dark sheds and getting away with humping in the pool next to his sleeping mother. I learned that it came in forms of You Me at Six albums and nights above the blankets. I remember what you did to me, and I hope you remember what I did to you-- I conquered you. I fought you. I won your title. I know that I am not afraid of you. I am not a part of you, but I have parts of you. I know that I will never be me without you, but I thank God I will be different because of you. I will miss the people but not the scenery or the white noise of the town. I will love you, maybe. But not right now. Your acquaintance, Gabrielle
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