When I was home this week for Thanksgiving, River and I had a date night on the last night we were in town. In my college town, the theater wasn’t playing The Edge of Seventeen, which seemed to have the right touch of humor, realism, and cynicism for the two of us when we saw the trailers. I had no idea how true that was until I saw the movie today (Saturday). I was already excited for Hailee Steinfeld’s performance after her role in Pitch Perfect 2. But I had no idea how deeply this movie would hit me until my eyes swelled with tears during the film.
The premise of the movie is that Nadine’s best friend starts dating her older brother, and then everything seems to hit the fan shortly after. Nadine goes through a whole slew of emotions including betrayal, sadness, abandonment, and rebellion. While everyone in the theater was fully engaged, the situation became highly personal to me. When I was a freshman in high school, I was in a long-term relationship with someone I had grown up with, and we were hitting a brick wall with each other day in and day out. We deeply loved each other though, at least I loved him. I don’t know where he stood in the last few months of our relationship, but I still think back to who he once was with me and know that there is no doubt that he was my first love. We broke up in May of my freshman year after roughly 4 years together. A month later, my best friend since middle school started dating him. Seriously dating him. While Nadine and I were in different situations, a lot of the commentary reminded me of those pains. The abandonment, the fear, the betrayal. I had enough trouble making friends with girls my age, I didn’t need my one friend to leave during one of the most critical times of my life. I slipped into a depression, became anxiety-ridden, and no longer knew who I could and could not trust. The ally I would have had was now my worst enemy. At this time, a lot of people questioned why I was still trying to pursue a friendship with her, but the truth was, I had no one else and I was losing control of my sensibility. I was failing with my coping skills and I would have turned to my best friend, but she was too busy trying to get to know the person I gave my first kiss to. I know how Nadine felt because that’s what I felt. All that being said, I still am not as close to anyone like I was my friend. We stopped talking shortly after I moved away for college, and the friendship lasted longer than it should have. My entire senior year was spent defending my ex boyfriend because of decisions she made (which then made me look like I was defending him because I loved him, which was not true, I don’t even know him anymore) and finally a few months later, the final straw was pulled and I just stopped trying. I have friends that I am close to, but not anything like I was with my best friend. I hope to some degree that she reads this to see my side of it, but I don’t ever expect her to understand how that changed me. The Edge of Seventeen is a movie that I would put up next to Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is my favorite movie and one of my favorite books of all time. (I have a signed and annotated copy of the book, which I cherish deeply.) The movie isn’t a feel-good movie, it’s real and raw and honest and humorous all at the same time. I recommend it to all of you without hesitation.
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As many of you may or may not know, when I was younger, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. During my sophomore year in high school I was experiencing anxiety attacks and I was not coping with the new stresses and adjustments. I went to therapy for almost a year, where I learned that sometimes, some people don’t realize how intimate anxiety is. I was often questioned on why I thought it was necessary to pursue therapy when my day to day life was seemingly fine. But honestly, it wasn’t. I struggled with self-image, motivation, and sometimes just dealing with the stress of high school. The person I was seeing for therapy often didn’t think I needed to see her, so she never prescribed me any medication, forcing me to develop coping skills that may not have always been helpful.
Now that I am a freshman in college, I have learned that you really don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But just because you have that freedom doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of it all the time. I had a huge paper due the day before Thanksgiving break starts, and I had very little done on it by the time I was planning to update the blog. I am a student who truly wants to make my professor proud, but at the same time, I have been known to procrastinate until the very last minute because it is so overwhelming. That is my current state. I don’t want to work at all, better yet work hard. But I don’t want my professor to think that I am incapable of writing a paper for her. It’s a struggle. So in this battle with my head, I have taken some time to myself. I have not uploaded because I feel like I can’t do anything I want to do until after I do what I’m supposed to do. And frankly, I didn’t have the motivation to do what I didn’t want to do. So here is the dilemma. I had a blog that hasn’t been updated in weeks and a paper that is half-written. And no motivation to do either one of those things. This is a symptom of my anxiety. I am avoiding everything to avoid one thing. Which is not a great way to cope, but it’s what I did. I turned the paper in and I am okay now. The moral of the story is, sometimes things have to be prioritized for you to do it, but other times, you don’t want to do the first thing on your list of priorities, so nothing gets done. And that’s okay. This is not a millennial whining about her candidate not winning. This is not a feminist buckling up her chastity belt and walking up to the gate of Trump Tower. This is a middle-class white female expressing why she thinks her generation is so fearful, now that Trump has won the election.
When I went to sleep last night, Trump was ahead by 30 Electoral College votes, and I knew I needed to work on accepting the fact that Donald Trump was going to be the 45th President. I went to sleep with tears in my eyes, and fear in my heart, not because I thought the world would end, but because I am afraid of the steps backwards we have now taken. I have faith that everything will work out. But I am fearful for those who are minorities, and those who may fall victim to those citizens who never accepted them as Americans. My high school worked in favor of those who had money and perfect teeth and knew when to shut their mouths. I did not fulfill any of those requirements, and I do believe that that is okay, but I heard what these people had to say. Often times when it wasn’t appropriate, but I heard the racist and misogynist cries of Trump supporters who only heard what their parents said and then repeated it back without the understanding of what was being said. I often had to simply shut my mouth and wrestle with who I thought deserved the title. Neither of which did, in my opinion, but Trump did not deserve it by any means. If anyone else had said the same things, the media would have hung them out to dry. When Trump’s “grab them by the p*ssy” scandal broke, I was not shocked. He had displayed time after time that he did not have any respect for women. And when he said that no one respected women as much as he did, I almost did a perfect spit-take. That’s complete bullcrap. I remember hoping that women would become angry, that they would not accept that. The locker room defense meant nothing to me, because I do not want my future sons and their friends talking this way anywhere. I am saddened by these results. Those who rejoiced when Barack Obama won the presidency cried themselves to sleep last night and are now left wondering what will happen next, because all of the progress that was made between 2008 and 2016 now has gone so far in the other direction. Those who said that Barack Obama was not their president are now telling those who are saying the same thing about Trump to sit down and shut up. And those who thought the Electoral College was bull are now thanking them profusely and encouraging the continuation of the procedure. Everyone is for something when it works in their favor, until it doesn't. I have fought with many people on social media over Trump and the things that he has said, but it did not ever occur to me that he would actually win this election. I do not want to live in a country where LGBTQ rights are repealed, where abortion is punishable by law, and where the separation between church and state only means that those who are not a part of the Christian church are not supported by the state. I am terrified of what this all could mean. I say all of this out of a place of sadness and anxiety. But I truly hope that Mr. Trump realizes the magnificent opportunity he has. I pray that whatever he does, it is accepted with grace, understanding, and with others in mind; LGBTQ+, Muslims, Jews, African Americans, and women. I hope that he sees how much support he has and how much he can accomplish. I hope that he is truly what this country needs now. But I pray that if he is not, that we, as a country, can band together and make light of this situation. As a millennial, I feel very cheated in this election. This was not my choice. I was not eligible to vote in the primary election. I don’t think this was how this was supposed to go.
Since I’ve been in my American National Government class, my perspective has changed greatly. I have decided who I am going to vote for and I have learned how to balance the presidential position. I have learned that the presidential position is not truly as powerful as the citizens may believe. But I think that the idea of a president has evolved, and that now the media has its own influence. The President has the power of the media at their fingertips, and that is a dangerous thing in it of itself. One of the biggest problems I have with Trump’s campaign is the victim card. Donald Trump’s argument is based on “at least I’m not her” and “her campaign is attacking me, but ignoring ____ that she did in the last 30 years.” And while the claims of crappy campaigning are legitimate, he made just as awful claims about his opponents before the Republican National Convention, especially with Ted Cruz. I feel very anxious about his lack of acceptance in his possible loss. The Red 2016 movement is ignorant to me, because what if someone who voted for Clinton just so happened to wear red on November 8, 2016? You now have no backing, and it is rude to ask who someone is voting for. So what do you do? I feel like a president must be able to listen, compromise, and accept defeat because sometimes the United States will not win. That’s a fact of life. You cannot be associated with other nations and expect to walk into a meeting and walk away with all of what you wanted. The United States is big on compromise and understanding. While I dog on Trump, do not be convinced I am voting for Hillary. I am, but only because it is mathematically improbable for a third party candidate to win, and in my opinion, Hillary may actually be the lesser of the two evils. I have a problem with her use of identity politics, but can I argue her identity politics when Trump’s campaign is “joking” about repealing the 19th Amendment and is blatantly sexist against women? I often wonder how a woman can vote for someone so against them, but I suppose if you hate the Clintons enough, you will vote for anyone that isn’t associated with them (despite the fact that Trump has supported Hillary through her many campaigns, and were known to be friends before this election season). I leave you with this thought: At the Republican National Convention, Ted Cruz was booed off the stage for saying that he wants everyone to vote based on their conscious, to vote up and down the ticket. Republicans attacked him for not supporting or endorsing Trump, but do you want a bi-partisan system that frowns upon voting according to your own beliefs? I applaud Cruz for standing up for what he believes in. That’s a mark of a true leader, but to the Republican Party, that’s the mark of a traitor. |
AuthorGabrielle Willingham is a young Arkansan woman who sees the importance of simultaneous cynicism and optimism. Gabrielle is currently working on a MA in Communication with a focus in gender studies and political science. Archives
January 2021
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