I have been struggling -- hard and for a little while now. My significant other and I have packed up our lives to move to Washington D.C. for the summer for internships with our own respective programs. I have been balancing the end of a wild semester, work, and my personal life, all while trying to envision what my life will be like over the next three months. It’s hard and I need to talk about it.
In September, I experienced the hardest breakup in my life and fought to stay in Fayetteville while still going to school and work while coping with the situation at hand. I thought that 2018 was going to be the hardest year I’ve ever had, but 2019 did the life-equivalent of “Heh, heh. Hold my beer.” While trying to prepare for my tumor-removal surgery, and then soon after, my revision surgery, I was working diligently to apply for The Washington Center and find an internship to get my spot in D.C., despite the reality of actually having to go never really occurring to me. My significant other applied on his own and worked hard to ensure that I was getting what I needed while also working to find his internship program and attending classes. It was a crazy time. As I have discussed previously on my blog, I struggle with severe anxiety daily. About a month before we have planned to leave, the panic started to set in about the trip. Having never flown before and struggling when my mom flew to New Orleans many years back, the idea of flying is terrifying to me. Yes, I know it feels like a roller coaster, which I have almost equal disdain for, and it’s no big deal. But this is a big deal to me. I had to find business clothes, book an Airbnb, book our flights, work it out with my job, figure out what to do with my apartment, and still maintain good standing with school. But I did it. I realized that, had circumstances not changed from the way things were in September, I wouldn’t have even applied for the program and probably would have let my fear of flying alone keep me from going. But I didn’t. In my life, I have always lived the mantra that good things never came easy and you have to deal with unpleasant things to get to a better place. Making do teaches the soul a lot. But my mantra had to change when I started to lay awake and sob to Jake saying, “I’m so terrified. What if this isn’t what I should be doing?” I had to go from arguing that unpleasantness is necessary to life to saying, over and over again, “If whatever you’re doing doesn’t scare the shit out of you, you aren’t doing it right.” Seeing as how almost anything outside of a typical routine tends to scare to me to a certain extent, it was empowering to realize that discomfort is necessary to change. As someone who is almost always uncomfortable to a varying degree, I realized that it meant I’m heading in the right direction. When I went through my breakup in September, one of the main assertions that I had to keep telling myself is that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Empaths notoriously put themselves second to anyone and anything that requires attention and love. In applying for D.C., I dealt with guilt around being gone all summer, launching a GoFundMe, and even asking my job to let me change my employment status from part-time to seasonal (meaning I can work when I get back). I wanted to put those things above the reality that this opportunity was beyond any I ever expected for myself. Even with my grandmothers, both, being in the hospital while I’m in town and getting ready to go, I am reminded how much pride I take in the strength of my family. Through this experience in applying for the internship, recovering from two surgeries, finding out I didn’t have cancer (thank God), going through a break up, dealing with anxiety, working, and going to school, I have learned the value in growing no matter the condition of the soil. Growth happens when discomfort takes place. -The Cynic
2 Comments
Twanna
5/31/2019 08:26:00 am
Well said Gabby! I am so proud of you. God definitely tested you so that you will have a GREAT testimony! You will do awesome in DC!
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CarolAnn Blow
5/31/2019 03:39:44 pm
I am so very proud of you. I have your name placed on my altar with daily prayers going up.
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AuthorGabrielle Willingham is a young Arkansan woman who sees the importance of simultaneous cynicism and optimism. Gabrielle is currently working on a MA in Communication with a focus in gender studies and political science. Archives
January 2021
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